Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
my liver is dry heaving
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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