I hate your face
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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