I smell stomach acid.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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