Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
