someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
