she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
