So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
