Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid