i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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