my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
