i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
