can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
