I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
