he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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