You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dick very happy bro
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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