Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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