Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
