It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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