: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
