every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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