dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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