Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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