You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
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She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
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I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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