i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
