Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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