I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize