I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
