Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
