he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
