I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know