I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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