I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My pussy is not your playground.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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