he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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