i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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