sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
that is very illegal...i love you.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
