I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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