His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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