Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
