he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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