guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
