my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
it's like iHOP with fire
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
