So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
