About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
