I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
