He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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