So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
