I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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