so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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