I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
