did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
