Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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