woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
