soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
