she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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