I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Duck Duck Cougar?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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