My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
