Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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