Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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