She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
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Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
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She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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