rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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