So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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