Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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