He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
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You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
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My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize